I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
