She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
