That's intense
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
