Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
