Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Send help, water and tortillas.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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