mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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