i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
