chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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