Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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