didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize