Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
