If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
