My room smells like vodka and shame
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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