he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
