i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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