problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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