The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
