the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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