Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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