Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
