1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
