I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
