you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
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