i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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