guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The beer is more important than you right now.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
