I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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