how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
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