i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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