Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
