Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
