I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
