ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
