my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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