Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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