just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize