She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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