the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
