Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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