sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
