I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Brb crying the tears of my youth
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
