This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
