shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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