I think I won the penis lottery.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
