I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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