Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
