I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
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