Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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