I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
