herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
