Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
