I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
