Soap is not a condiment
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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