i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
no you cant smoke seaweed
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
