her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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