Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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