he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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